


If each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me

by AeronBellona



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, I'm so sorry, M/M, SO SORRY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5945284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AeronBellona/pseuds/AeronBellona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He starts coughing up petals one day after practice and it doesn’t shock him as much as it should. To a certain extent he actually expected them. He is in the bathroom washing up and feels a sudden urge to cough up his lungs and all that come are lily petals. His eyes sting and his world collapses. He just wants to stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Hanahaki Disease is the illness of one-sided love. If you have the disease, you will cough up the petals of the favourite flower of your loved one. The sickness dissapears if your feelings are reciprocated. Or, you can get surgery, but in this case not only the illness, but your feelings dissapear too.
> 
> I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
> 
> basically this is a long drabble (I'm sorry)
> 
> (the title is from Pablo Neruda)
> 
> update 2016.08.22: I have decided to tag main character death. I did not, at first, because this fic is somewhat based on the sudden/ploz twist ending I gave it, but I think, even though one can suspect what ending there will be, everybody reading this deserves proper warning about the content. I base this not on personal experience on this specific matter, but the fact that I went through a time this summer where I was triggered by the slightest sad moment. It was awful, and sitting here thinking what I might have done by not tagging mcd makes me feel regretful.

He starts coughing up petals one day after practice and it doesn’t shock him as much as it should. To a certain extent he actually expected them. He is in the bathroom washing up and feels a sudden urge to cough up his lungs and all that come are lily petals. His eyes sting and his world collapses. He just wants to _stop_.

 

A week passes before anyone notices. Of course he wouldn't tell anyone on his own. But one day he's just not fast enough. He collapses in the living room as they are having dinner. But this time it's only Dongwoo and him because the others have schedules and Dongwoo is freaking out. When he sees the petals he is hit with shock and soon he's rambling on about Sunggyu’s stupid ass pride and a hospital - any hospital in the area and he wants to call the manager because _god, Sunggyu is going to_ _die_. But Sunggyu manages to calm him down a bit after his coughing fit is over.

“Please… I don't want Woohyun to know. I can take care of it, I promise. Please, Dongwoo. I'm not going to die. I'll be okay.”

He makes Dongwoo promise not to tell anyone. He knows he's being cruel and in his mind he thanks god for being able to even know Dongwoo and he hopes that he will be forgiven for this.

 

After that, Dongwoo pays him a lot more attention. He feels guilty and thankful at the same time. He is mostly just lucky that the other members don’t find out. But having Dongwoo helps so much. When he has a fit in the middle of practice Dongwoo covers for him. He follows Sunggyu and returns saying Sunggyu ate something and he makes sure Sunggyu can have the rest of the day to himself.

He has a coughing fit every few days and it _hurts_ but it doesn't hurt as much as looking at Woohyun. One time after he spends 40 minutes in the bathroom and comes out paler than he's ever been before Woohyun approaches him carefully.

“Hyung. Are you sick? You look awful these days. You should see a doctor, you know.”

Sunggyu is _so_ tired but he remembers to be strong.

“It's alright Woohyun-ah. It's nothing serious. It will be gone by tomorrow”

 

Woohyun is eyeing him. He looks much better than he did yesterday so he doesn’t worry much. He looks at Woohyun and for a moment forgets that he can't have him. That he'll die from it. He smiles and Woohyun smiles back, and he feels warm inside. _Everything's okay._

 

 _But everything's not okay._ One day, about a month after the fit with Dongwoo, Sungjong shows up at his room with the manager.

“We have to talk” he says firmly, and has to almost drag Sunggyu in the living room. No one else is in, so they can talk at peace.

For a while no one says a thing. It seems they are trying to be careful, and Sunggyu hates that people have to tiptoe around him now.

“Just say it, damn it” and shoots Sungjong a demanding look. But in the end it is the manager who speaks up.

“Sungjong found your petals”

Sunggyu notes how he said _your_.

“How did you know it was me?” he asks after a short silence.

Sungjong shoots him a look.

“You've been sick for some time, it's obvious. It's not always notable, but we noticed… _I_ noticed, at least. You have good days and bad days. But yesterday… I just wanted to make sure you were okay… And… Dongwoo hyung told me to leave you alone but when you were sleeping I went to check up on you and there were lily petals under your pillow…”

He sounds like he's about to cry, and Sunggyu pulls him into a hug.

“It's okay” he whispers and he says the same words he said to Dongwoo and he knows he's lying “I'll be fine… It hasn't gotten out of hand yet. It's not like I have cancer or something… I'll be fine, okay, Sungjong-ah?”

He feels the maknae’s warm tears fall in his shoulder and back. They stay like that until Sungjong calmed down enough to speak.

“Could you give us some time, Sungjong-ah?” Sunggyu asks apologetically. He gets a silent nod in return and wipes the tears on Sungjong’s face before he gets up and goes to his room.

 

“You should get the surgery.” his manager says seriously. He says it out of concern but as a part of the company too. He should get the surgery, it is the most logical step.

“I don’t want to” he whispers. “I don't want to not feel it. It's not so bad for now. Please.”

“If not right now” the manager says “you'll still have to get it. When it turns bad.”

When. Not if, but when.

“Give me some time.” he pleads.

 

He can see the manager crack because Sunggyu is one of his boys and once again Sunggyu is asking selfishly for more time. Fortunately, the manager doesn't break down the way Sungjong does. They sit silently for some time, and when the manager leaves he feels exhausted. He peaks into Sungjong’s room before going to his own to check on the younger. He's sleeping, but he doesn't look peaceful, so Sunggyu goes to him, tugs him in properly and caresses his hair until his face seems calm. He can almost spot a smile in the corner of Sunjong’s lips. He stays for some time, just watching the other sleeping peacefully. He doesn't notice the tears on his cheeks until Myungsoo comes home some hours later and he has to escape to his room, so the other doesn't see him like that. He decides that he'll wait for Woohyun, but he doesn't come home, so Sunggyu doesn't sleep that day.

 

He has good days after that. He can still feel the flower, but even when he spends time with Woohyun, he doesn’t feel the urge to cough up everything he has in his body, and so he decides that he’s _fine_ again. He knows it’s not true, but it’s okay for now, and he tells Dongwoo and Sungjong, though he knows they already noticed that some color returned to his face, and that he doesn’t excuse himself to the bathroom for an hour every few days. His throat is still dry and it still hurts but now he only coughs up a few petals every week, sometimes every few weeks. In the meantime none of the other members notice anything, but every now and then Woohyun looks at him like he can’t figure him out. But he doesn’t ask anything, and it doesn’t bother Sunggyu. He thinks that whatever question Woohyun would ask him would just hurt him more.

He holds on and he does fine, until he doesn’t. They finally get a holiday in what seems like ages, after they are done with the promotions of their new mini album, and he goes home to visit his family. He spends days with his parents and meets his sister, and feels so utterly at peace. But eventually he has to leave, and he goes back to his other life, the one where Woohyun doesn’t love him and he has the freaking Hanahaki disease and everything is a cycle, he just repeats the same things over and over again and he’s an idol and he goes out when they ask him to and when they do, there’s always a camera and he didn’t even want this, he wanted to be a rocker, he wanted a band and if he had it maybe he wouldn’t have met Woohyun and he wouldn’t have to suffer like this and everything would be fine and _he snaps_.

He’s at the dorms, and he’s alone, but when the coughing starts he knows that it’s never been this bad before and slowly but surely he can feel a darkness creeping over his eyes but he picks up his phone and calls number 1. Woohyun picks up, and he can’t even say anything, just coughs, and the petals are already all over the floor, and he’s lying down. He can hear Woohyun’s voice form his phone. It’s urgent, and he knows Woohyun is asking him something, but he can’t quite understand what it is and he drifts off to something he would call sleep if it didn’t hurt so much. He blames it on the flower. It’s the air that’s not in his lungs.

He’s lying again, but this time it’s not hard, like the floor of the dorm, but soft, as if he was lying in a bed. It takes him some time to realize, that he is. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to know that he’s in a hospital. He can smell it. It smells like detergent and sick people and he realizes, that he’s one of those sick people, but he doesn’t have the power to be upset about it. He liked the sleeping and just wants to go back. He doesn’t like this reality, he prefers dreams. Maybe if he can go back to sleep now, he’ll dream about a world where everything’s okay, and doesn’t have to wake up again.

He doesn’t go back to sleep though. He can hear a conversation and _god, it’s pretty much every member. They all know now._ He recognizes Sungjong’s voice first. _I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. He just… He wanted it like this. He even seemed okay for a while…_

 _He wasn’t though was he?_ says Woohyun. Always happy, greasy Woohyun. He sound so upset. Like he’s about to cry, or explode, whichever comes first.

 _It was his decision. We couldn’t just force him into going to a hospital now could we? You know him… You can’t just tell him what to do…_ This time the voice is more confident, but still broken, and it seems Dongwoo took over the place of the leader. Sunggyu doesn’t want to burden him with that too. He shouldn’t have to deal with this situation. Sunggyu is the leader, he should calm them down, tell them that it’s okay, that…

 _But he’s stupid. We all know how he can be like. He’s a good leader, but he doesn’t know how to take care of himself –_ comes the voice of Hoya. _Why didn’t he tell us?_ asks Sungyeol, and you can hear the hurt in his voice.

Sunggyu wants to explain. It wouldn’t have changed anything. He still wouldn’t have gotten the surgery and he didn’t want Woohyun to know, and he didn’t want to worry them and– he can hear muffled crying. Myungsoo. It hits him. _Myungsoo is crying_.

He forces his eyes open, though they are heavy and he blinks rapidly until his sight is clear again. He feels something on his face, and as he pushes himself on the bed, he pries it off with one hand, and he suddenly needs to cough again. He feels awful, but a few moments later all the members are in the room and a nurse comes with them. She pushes him back down on the bed and puts the mask back on his face. She tries to calm him down, tries to explain that he didn’t breathe for a while so it’s going to be hard for some time because he needs to readjust, but all he sees is his friends’ faces. After she’s finished she asks something but he doesn’t pay attention.

“Woohyun” he whispers. It’s an apology and a confession and he feels an ache in his chest and maybe it’s the flower or maybe finally his heart is so badly broken, that it cannot be put together again.

The nurse gives him a sad look before she leaves, but he doesn’t notice. Here they are. In a hospital room and Sunggyu is going to die if he’s stubborn enough to do it, and Myungsoo is still crying, but now he gets closer to the bed, and leans onto Sunggyu’s chest. Sungjong does the same and Sunggyu wraps both his arms around them.  
“Shh. It’ll be fine. I’m in the hospital now, right? Surrounded by doctors. They know how to take care of me, even if I don’t. Okay? Don’t cry now. You’re going to make Hoya cry too, and no one wants to see that.”  
Hoya frowns and turns around but it’s not fast enough, and Sunggyu sees that his eyes are watering. Dongwoo looks hopeful. Maybe he believes the words Sunggyu just said. That being in the hospital is going to turn things around and things will truly be okay. But Sungyeol looks furious.  
“Sungyeol-ah.” he starts, but the other shakes his head.  
“No. No! Sunggyu hyung. You are in the hospital! You almost died a few hours ago! If Woohyun hadn’t called the manager and he hadn’t been near the dorm you’d be in the basement right now!”  
He looks like he’s ready to explode, his voice just below shouting.  
“You have the Hanahaki! Are you even aware of that? Do you even know that sometimes, if it gets too serious, even the surgery doesn’t help? That you are not the only one affected? If you had actually died, what would’ve happened? All of us would have suffered and in all honesty, I would’ve had to be the strong one. Because who else in this bunch would’ve been? Dongwoo, the crying machine, or Woohyun, who just lost his best friend? Or maybe Myungsoo, if even he had the power to get out of bed. I would’ve had to bury you and I would’ve had to support them and tell your goddamn parents that _you died from being in love_! And I would’ve done it and die a little on the inside, too.”  
He looks like he’s about to burst, and the volume of his voice is way above normal, and Sunggyu is about to break down. He can feel tears rolling down his cheeks but his voice is firm.  
“You’re the strongest amongst us all. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I know you don’t want to be.”  
And then, Sungyeol is crying too. The leader can’t decide if they are angry tears or sad ones. Both, probably.  
“But I’m asking you to be the strongest. Whether I’m here or not. I need to talk to Woohyun.”

Sungyeol widens his eyes, but he understands. He taps on Hoya’s shoulders and pushes him and Dongwoo towards the door. He pries Myungsoo and Sungjong off of Sunggyu’s chest, and leaves. The leader has been watching Woohyun the whole time. He hasn’t moved. He’s not crying. But he looks at Sunggyu as though he’s waiting for an explanation. But when Sunggyu says nothing, he opens his mouth.

“You’re not going to get the surgery, are you?”  
Sunggyu feels like crying.  
“No” he breathes.  
“Do you think I don’t care about you? That I don’t love you? Is that why you didn’t tell me?” his voice is cracking. He can see Woohyun suffer and it kills Sunggyu.  
“You don’t love me, though.” he says with a resigned voice. “Not the way I want you to. The way I do.”  
Woohyun brakes. His eyes become darker and he starts tearing up and he grunts his teeth and suddenly he’s next to the bed and he’s leaning on Sunggyu’s chest the same way the younger ones were minutes ago, but he’s sobbing. Sunggyu feels guilty for doing this to the one he loves, but no matter what he says he can’t take Woohyun’s guilt away, so he says nothing, does nothing. They stay like that, even after Woohyun stops crying, until one of the nurses come in and announces that _visitation hours are over, please leave the patient rest_. Woohyun doesn’t react, so the nurse asks the other members to get him away from Sunggyu.  
“It’s okay. I’ll still be here tomorrow” he whispers to Woohyun, which makes him calm down a little. He’s still hesitant, but they all leave, and Sunggyu shoots them one last confident smile.

His words turn into lies once again.


	2. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe I've actually written an epilogue? This wasn't even a big story, but there's been people asking for one, and I suspect I might be a bit late with it, but... Anyway. Here it is. It's short, and it's not the best, expect nothing. Happy christmas!

Woohyun takes heavy steps towards the cold stone. The rain hides his tears, but it makes his vision blur too – if he didn’t already knew what the headstone says, he wouldn’t be able to read it.

 _“My shoulder will always forever be there for you_  
So whenever it may be, if you need me again  
Don’t worry about it and come back to me”

Woohyun doesn’t even remember who chose that quote. It was lyrics from one of Sunggyu’s song, but Woohyun thinks it’s ironic. He goes back to Sunggyu all the time, but Sunggyu isn’t there anymore. _A shoulder to cry on? What a joke_ …

And yet he comes back again and again for those shoulders. He comes back and he cries and he doesn’t know what else to do.

“Hyung” he hears a voice from behind his back. He doesn’t need to turn back to know who it was – he would always, always recognize the voice of his members. This time it’s Myungsoo.

It’s been Myungsoo for a very long time but last time it was no one, so he was hoping he’d finally stop coming. He doesn’t. He doesn’t know why Myungsoo keeps coming again and again. He feels an umbrella being raised above him, and Myungsoo comes into his vision. He looks disheveled, but dry – unlike himself. He doesn’t wear anything that would protect him of the rain.

“Hyung” Myungsoo says again, a whisper this time “I knew you’d be here.”

He reaches to wipe Woohyun’s wet hair from his eyes.

“You’re always here when you’re upset.”

He goes quiet then. Myungsoo doesn’t say anything else, just looks at Woohyun.

He doesn’t know what to do. He should speak maybe, but it’s so hard, Woohyun thinks. If he speaks now, his voice will break, he knows. But he also knows, that Myungsoo is patient, so he waits and says nothing. They stand like that in the cold rain, until finally Woohyun can speak.

“He should have been there.” he whispers, not brave enough to talk any louder. His eyes are unfocused, looking slightly over Myungsoo’s shoulders. He’s looking at something big. Something cold.

“He should be here” Woohyun says, stronger this time.

“For your solo?” Myungsoo asks carefully.

 _Of course for my solo,_ Woohyun wants to scream _. He kept saying I deserved one, he kept insisting that his second solo should have been my first, that he wanted to see me do what I love_. _But then he decided to leave. He left me and I couldn’t love him back_.

“I did love him” Woohyun says finally looking in Myungsoo’s eyes “Why wasn’t the love I had for him enough?”

“It was” Myungsoo replies. It’s soft. He raises his hand to put it over Woohyun’s cheek. His lips stretch into a small, warm smile. “He knew, Hyung. He forgave you the moment he realized he loved you.”

The rain keeps hitting the umbrella. Woohyun could pretend he doesn’t hear. But Myungsoo doesn’t stop, and he steps forward a bit. Their faces are too close for Woohyun not to hear.

“He loved you, and you loved him” Myungsoo says more fiercely. Then, softly “It’s time to let go now. It’s been months.”

Nobody’s told him to let go. Maybe because they know that he doesn’t know how.

“What are you saying” Woohyun finds himself asking slowly, looking at the other’s face, his heart in his throat.

“He would have wanted you to be happy” Myungsoo whispers. “He _did_ want you to be happy.”

Woohyun looks at Myungsoo, he really looks at him. _Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’ll let myself make a mistake today. Maybe I’ll regret it tomorrow. Maybe he’s watching right now, and maybe_ …

_“You know, I’ve loved you for some time” Sunggyu says lying on the hospital bed “so why haven’t I been sick this entire time?”_  
_“Maybe you haven’t loved me enough, hyung. Did something happen?” Woohyun asks cheekily, ignoring the tears still running down his face._  
_“No, I’m sure I’ve always loved you like this” he tries to sound light “Maybe I’m finally moving on.”_  
_“Don’t say that.” Woohyun whispers._  
_“Why not? Moving on is a good thing, Woohyun. You can’t stay stuck in one place forever. You have to move forward” Sunggyu looks at Woohyun, as he holds him in his arms. “After this… you’ll need to move on too.”_  
_“No” Woohyun says firmly “I’m convincing you to have the surgery. Tomorrow.”_  
_“Okay, Woohyun” Sunggyu holds him softly “Tomorrow.”_

But then tomorrow came and he couldn’t keep his promise. _We both broke our words then_ , he realizes. Sunggyu said he’d still be there tomorrow. He wasn’t.

 _Myungsoo has a tomorrow_ , a voice inside him whispers.

 _Myungsoo’s had my tomorrows for a long time_ , he replies to the voice.

Woohyun looks at Myungsoo then. _Oh damn_ , he thinks. _Maybe it is time_.

He leans forward and kisses the other. Myungsoo’s eyes flutter shut, and he melts into the other. It feels _right_. He can feel Myungsoo smile into the kiss.

For a moment, the pain from Woohyun’s chest disappears. For a moment, he forgets that it hurts, and he lets himself get caught up in the moment.

It’s Myungsoo who breaks the kiss.

“Is this… the right place?” Myungsoo asks looking around carefully.

Woohyun leans his head on Myungsoo’s shoulder. Myungsoo looks startled and he raises his hand to caress Woohyun’s hair.

They stay like that until Woohyun speaks softly.

“Hyung…” he says with a tinge of happiness in his voice “I think I won’t be needing those shoulders anymore”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE JUST COMMENT PEOPS? ? ?? ???? also i'm particularly interested in your opinion if you read the first part before the second came out please comment i see yall adding kudos
> 
> also i am a little self advertising shit follow me on tumblr @loserandnamjintrash


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